Unless, that is, you go to Alpina, who will whip you up a 3-Series with the 2.0-litre diesel out of the 123d, with a revised engine management and a new exhaust system. This is good.
We like the stats too. 214bhp. 0-62mph in 6.9 seconds. 152mph top speed. Yes, that's Golf GTI-beating performance from a car that'll return 52mpg. That's nearly 150bhp per tonne. From a diesel. Simply astonishing.
The D3 doesn't feel like a quick diesel though. In fact, it doesn't feel like a diesel at all. Despite a massive 331lb ft of torque, there's never a genuine gut-punch from the turbos. Instead, the rev needle skips to the red line with petrol-like vim, a fizzy responsiveness that should convert even the staunchest diesel-haters. Leaving aside such freakshows as Audi's giant V12, this might just be the greatest diesel in the world.
The D3 rides better than any current BMW too. Alpina has ditched the 3's hard-riding run-flat tyres - though hasn't added a spare wheel, leaving you instead with a handy can of foam - and fiddled slightly with the suspension set-up, and the result is a beautifully judged ride over any surface.
In fact, it's good enough to make you wonder why Alpina didn't go a bit further with the D3. The new spoilers, steering wheel and seats, the engine and handling, put the car right at the sporty end of diesel, and make the unchanged gearbox and steering feel a little lax by comparison. Yes, revising them would have pushed the price up, but the D3 is being imported in such small numbers - the UK'll get under 100 each year - that interested punters would surely have paid the premium.
Which raises the bigger question: should BMW make its own 323d? It'd clearly create a bit of a headache for the marketing team, but we'd then invoke TG's Altruistic Principle: is it morally acceptable to have an engine this good in just one car?
BMW has raised the bar with the current generation of 3 Series Coupe. It's fast, frugal and fearless
Comfort
BMW's obsession with run-flat tyres has buggered the ride quality, and an inherently sporting set-up means that a BMW feels a bit stiff compared to non-German rivals. The 3-series is pretty good on space though, and all BMWs are usually quiet and accomplished cruisers.
Performance
The latest generation of 3 Series Coupe is available with nine engines. Coun 'em: 320i, 325i, 330i, 320d, 325d, 330d, 335d and the 420bhp V8 in the M3. The 325i is a lovely, smooth engine but it doesn't have the bite you'd expect for 218bhp. It's fast, yes, but it soon runs out of breath when pushed hard and it always leaves you wanting more. The 306bhp turbocharged three-litre 335i by comparison, is a real star. The peak torque arrives at 1,300rpm and stays on the same high plateau until 5,000. Okay, there is some turbo lag at the very lowest revs, but beyond 2,000 it picks up and runs like a V8. It's a cinch to make swift progress along A-roads, and because the urge is so accessible, passing slower cars is similarly simple. The M3's V8 is awesome, with terrifying levels of performance from it's four-litre V8.
Cool
All the big diesel cars are pretty cool. But a de-badged BMW 318i with ‘M-Sport' written all over it will make people want to hit you in the face with a hammer. And hammer wounds aren't cool.
Quality
Built to BMW's typically high standards, the dash is basically as per the saloon, which means thick materials, tight panel gaps and all the buttons giving a lovely damped action.
Handling
It's a really fluent and obedient car and never does anything unexpected. In the dry you get heaps of grip, though the huge torque of the 335i makes it easy to spin the inside rear wheel coming out of bends. Even in the wet it keeps its superb balance. Pressing the DTC button calls up a slightly looser traction-control setting, letting you push harder before the electronics intervene to save you from you. The ride though, is very hard so expect to feel everything the road has to offer. Active Steering is available but we prefer the car without. Self centring in straight running is more natural when the fancy gadgetry is absent, as is the initial feel into corners.
Practicality
Plenty of room in the back, despite the slightly lower roofline than the saloon. It's okay for adults in there, though no one would want to be climbing in and out too often unless they were in training for a pot-holing weekend. The boot is a good shape and at 440 litres a healthy size.
Running costs
One of the most cost effective coupes to own. Even the 335i returns just under 35mpg and is three categories short of the maximum company car tax banding. The diesels are impressively clean and frugal while it's expected the car's residual values will be excellent.
